NEW YORK – So, Netflix is pulling the plug on the red envelope. After a quarter century of mailing DVDs to your doorstep, the streaming behemoth is finally putting its geriatric service out to pasture. September 29th, 2023, will be the day the last red envelope ships, marking the official end of an era. Another one bites the dust, eh?

Ted Sarandos, co-CEO and likely wearer of skinny jeans, claims the DVD business is "shrinking" and it’s becoming “increasingly difficult” to maintain quality. Translation: it's not making enough money, and the zoomers probably don’t even know what a DVD is. Gotta chase those subscriber numbers, bro.

Let's be real, the DVD service was already a zombie, shambling along while the streaming service raked in the dough. It was like that one boomer uncle who still forwards chain emails. Sure, you love him, but he's kind of embarrassing.

Remember when Netflix was the underdog, disrupting Blockbuster's monopoly? Now they're the establishment, and something tells me they’re now the establishment. The irony is thicker than a soy latte.

And don’t even get me started on their content. Woke garbage. Reboots no one asked for. Endless reality TV. Give me a break. At least with DVDs, you could own a physical copy of something that wasn't trying to indoctrinate you.

But hey, progress, right? Now we're all slaves to the algorithm, endlessly scrolling through recommendations tailored to our deepest, darkest data points. Privacy? Freedom? Nah, just binge-watching.

Of course, the sheep are bleating about “nostalgia” and “the good old days.” Spare me. The red envelope was convenient, sure, but it also relied on the USPS, which is about as efficient as the Biden administration running the economy. Remember the mail delays of 2020? Good times.

So, pour one out for the red envelope, but don't pretend it was some bastion of freedom and entertainment. It was a business, and businesses die. The only constant is change… and the fact that Hollywood will keep remaking the same movies until the sun burns out.

Now get off my lawn, you whippersnappers, and go learn about the joys of physical media. And maybe invest in a Faraday cage to protect your DVD collection from the coming electromagnetic pulse. You'll thank me later.

At least the share price dipped – maybe this is a sign the market is learning. Time to short Netflix? This might actually be a reason to.

Oh, and about those jobs lost? Yeah, well, learn to code. Or start an OnlyFans. The gig economy awaits. Welcome to late-stage capitalism.

Goodbye red envelope, hello… even more streaming garbage? The cycle continues. Next up: Netflix gets disrupted by something even more dystopian. Place your bets!

Sources:

* Netflix Investor Relations: [https://ir.netflix.net/](https://ir.netflix.net/) * United States Postal Service: [https://www.usps.com/](https://www.usps.com/)