LAS VEGAS — Okay, folks, let's get real. Lynette Hooker is missing, presumed swimming with the fishes, and the official story smells fishier than a week-old tuna salad sandwich. Hubby Brian says she fell off the dinghy on the way back to their yacht, the 'Soulmate,' in the Bahamas. Sounds legit... except for the fact that the boat's GPS conveniently took a vacation right around the time she went missing. You can't make this stuff up, folks. Well, technically we are making this up, but based on FACTS!

So, Brian and Lynette are living the high life, sailing around the Caribbean like a couple of geriatric pirates. April 4th, 7:30 PM, they head to shore in their little inflatable dinghy. Brian claims rough seas knocked Lynette overboard. He then paddles back to shore solo, arriving at Marsh Harbour at 4 AM. Convenient, right? Almost as convenient as Hillary's emails.

Now, here's the kicker. According to VesselFinder, the 'Soulmate's' Automatic Identification System (AIS) – you know, the thing that broadcasts your boat's location to the entire world – went dark at 9:29 PM on April 4th. It didn't come back online until 8:40 AM the next morning. That's a whopping 11-hour blackout. What are the odds? About the same as Biden remembering what day it is.

Tad DiBiase, a former federal prosecutor who wrote the book on no-body homicides, is all over this. He's basically saying, 'Yo, Coast Guard, you better look into this GPS thingy!' No kidding, Tad! This is like OJ's bloody glove, but nautical.

DiBiase wants to know everything about their relationship, too. Were they happy? Did she threaten to divorce him and take half his pirate booty? We need answers! And we need them now!

Brian's 'friend,' Blaine Stevenson (sure, friend), says Brian returned to the boat with search and rescue. Okay, Blaine. We're watching you.

Look, people, this reeks. It's like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen. The Coast Guard Investigative Service is supposedly investigating, but we all know how these things go. Unless they find a body with a suspiciously large knot on its head, nothing will happen.

But we, the patriots of the internet, will not let this go! We demand justice for Lynette! Even if justice means watching Brian Hooker sweat profusely while being grilled by a prosecutor who knows his way around a maritime crime scene. #JusticeForLynette #GPSGate #SailingShenanigans