WASHINGTON – U.S. Central Command (CENTCOM), fresh off their Afghanistan performance review, is now moonlighting as Uber drivers for oil tankers in the Strait of Hormuz. A brave (or maybe just bored) U.S. official said they've helped about 70 commercial ships navigate the place in the last three weeks. Because, you know, without the American military hand-holding, those tankers would totally get lost or something.

Let's be real, the Strait of Hormuz is basically the world's gas station, and the U.S. military is the cranky attendant who's seen some things. Between Oman and Iran, it's a narrow stretch of water where all the sweet, sweet crude flows. And because of Iran, apparently, we need to spend God knows how many millions (billions?) making sure nothing goes boom. MAGA, right?

Iran, of course, is the perpetual boogeyman in this scenario. They're always up to something, threatening to close the strait, seizing ships, or just generally being a pain in the keister. So, naturally, America has to flex its military might to keep the oil flowing and gas prices from hitting $10 a gallon. Because, priorities.

So what does this 'assistance' look like? Probably a bunch of dudes in ships with binoculars, maybe a drone or two, and a whole lot of taxpayer money going up in exhaust fumes. They're not gonna tell us the specifics, because 'security,' but you can bet your bottom dollar it involves a whole lot of hardware and personnel.

Remember Operation Earnest Will? Back in the day, we were literally reflagging Kuwaiti tankers as American just to keep them from getting blown up by Iran. Good times. Now we just 'guide' them. Progress, I guess?

Honestly, at this point, the U.S. military is basically the global babysitter for the oil industry. And we, the American taxpayer, are footing the bill. Because apparently, without our protection, the whole world would grind to a halt. Or maybe they should just pay for their own damn security? Just a thought.

Don't get me wrong, national security is important. But maybe, just maybe, there's a better way to deal with Iran than constantly playing maritime traffic cop in the Strait of Hormuz. Perhaps a strongly worded tweet? A strongly worded letter, at least. You know, something that won't require us to burn even more money.

In the meantime, CENTCOM will keep giving free boat rides to Big Oil, and we'll keep paying for it. God Bless America, and God Bless the Petroleum Industry. And remember: drilling is great! Now go buy an F-150!

Sources:

* U.S. Central Command (CENTCOM) Website (try to find something useful there, I dare ya) * American Enterprise Institute (because someone has to defend this stuff)