Alright, cobbers, strap yourselves in because the sky is falling, or at least leaking pretty heavily down under. Seems like the 'rona wasn't enough, now we've got floods, sharks, and the lingering scent of impending doom wafting across the scorched earth of Oz. Blame it on global warming, blame it on sunspots, blame it on that dodgy kebab you had last night – doesn't really matter, does it? The water's rising, and the sharks are getting hangry.

So, South Australia's about to become a water park, Victoria's already halfway there, and Sydney's got more bull sharks than Bondi Beach has backpackers. The South Australian premier, Peter Malinauskas (whoever that bloke is), is warning everyone about heavy rain. Newsflash, Pete: it's been raining. We noticed. He's probably got a grant for 'climate preparedness' and a new Tesla to go with it. Meanwhile, the Eyre Peninsula's getting hammered, Moomba's drowning in more water than a tourist at a drop bear convention, and you just know the bureaucrats are lining up for a piece of the 'disaster relief' pie.

Some genius meteorologist, Dean Narramore, says the rain's 'badly needed' for drought-stricken areas. Yeah, well, a punch in the face is 'badly needed' by a lot of politicians, but that doesn't mean it's a good thing. This ain't some gentle drizzle; it's a biblical deluge. And he's worried about flash flooding? Mate, the whole state's gonna be a flash flood at this rate.

Meanwhile, in Victoria, Horsham's getting five times its monthly rainfall in one night. Five times! That's like ordering a six-pack and getting thirty. Sounds good, until you realize your house is now a swimming pool. And Sydney? Forget about going for a dip. The bull sharks are having a field day in the murky waters, probably thinking, “Oi, free buffet!” Thanks, rain! Thanks, 'climate change'! Thanks, government for doing absolutely nothing except telling us to be afraid!

Queensland's getting its share of the wet stuff too. Birdsville, population: probably less than my extended family, has gotten more rain this year than they usually get annually. You can bet your bottom dollar that the local council is already planning some kind of 'eco-tourism' initiative to capitalize on the flooding. “Come see our flooded town! Experience the apocalypse firsthand!”